I got sick of the surveys people posted on Myspace bulletins, so I came up with my own:
1) Which part of your body do you think the opposite sex focuses on when they decide to reject you?
2) SOPHIE’S CHOICE QUESTION: List your five best friends. You have to kill one of them in order for the rest to live. Which friend do you kill? Why? Don’t cheat by listing an enemy.
3) State five of your heroes. It is a natural part of human growth that all of your heroes will disappoint you. It is the apprentice surpassing the master. All it takes is one minor character flaw to make you forget about all of the positive things you associate with a hero. Pick one of the five heroes you listed and explain at least one way this person has disappointed you.
4) Is giving money to the poor worthwhile or is it a waste of time? Is the reason that they are poor to begin with due to a genetic predisposition toward hemorrhaging money? Do the spending practices of rags-to-riches gangster rappers offer any answers?
5) Think about your most bizarre and socially unacceptable sexual fantasy. This is the fantasy you don’t want anyone knowing about. You DO have at least one of these – but don’t worry, this question won’t ask you to name it. Got it in your head? OK, continue reading. Suppose you have an opportunity to make this fantasy become reality. You are sure that nobody else will ever find out about what happens except for whatever living partners you may require for your activity. After the bliss that accompanies the fulfillment of this sexual desire, a few weeks pass and it seems like your secret is safe. The next thing you know, the most popular sex video on the internet features you and your illicit doings. Depending on your fantasy, the cops or the FBI may or may not start looking for you. Some of your friends and family members will have certainly seen the video. If your next course of action is not suicide, list the steps you will take to fix your problem.
6) The child of a wealthy industrialist is kidnapped. The kidnapper demands $5 million for the child’s safe return. Instead of paying the ransom, the industrialist, in a Mel Gibson move, posts a reward of $10 million to whoever brings in the kidnapper “Dead or Dead”. In response, the kidnapper decapitates the child and throws it on the industrialist’s lawn. The reward money is raised to $20 million. Eventually, the identity of the kidnapper becomes known and he goes on the run. You, and you alone, know something that proves that the wanted man is actually innocent. On your way to the police station to report this information, you notice the wanted man sleeping underneath one of your trees. Times have been tough for your family. Both you and your wife lost your jobs and you have five children to feed. There is a shovel nearby. Do you place the tip of the shovel under the sleeping man’s nose and kick it in with your foot and then go collect the reward money, or do you deliver your message to the police station? Suppose you aren’t experiencing any financial strife. Do you kill him and collect the reward anyway?
7) When you are old and your vision goes and your penis no longer gets hard (or, as a budding crone, your cunt goes Mojave and your tits undergo flapjackification) and you can barely move and your short-term memory turns to shit, will you kill yourself? Having loving friends and family might be a good source of comfort to you at this time in your life, but honestly, are these people as satisfying as being able to pop your cork, walk up a flight of steps, and see things six inches away from you? Does having someone treat you like a baby beat having skin that doesn’t rustle in a strong breeze?
8 ) The Dalton Gang has chained your legs to a post in a stone hut. They say that they are going to go rape and murder your family after they go get a few drinks at the local pub. Then they’ll come back to show you pieces of your family; then mutilate your genitals with a branding iron and kill you. After much hooting and hollering, the gang leaves. Ira, a retard errand boy for the Dalton Gang, witnesses this exchange and confides in you that he doesn’t like the way the gang treats him. You ask Ira if he will go tell your good friend and local gunslinger, Otis Partridge, what the gang plans to do. Ira says he will, but explains that he “is not too good at remembrin’ stuff.” The branding iron is sitting in a nearby fire pit. This branding iron allows you to change the sequence of letters in any way you please. Currently, the backwards, orange-hot letters say “Property of the Dalton Gang”. A number of other letters of the alphabet are scattered on the floor. Time is of the essence here. Do you trust Ira to deliver your message to the gunslinger or do you form a message on the branding iron and sear the message onto Ira’s flesh? (FYI: like your legs, the branding iron is chained to the wall, so you can’t form a message on it and give it to Ira. The retard would probably lose it anyway.)
9) If you have herpes do you think it is your duty to inform a potential sex partner about this fact? Does your answer change if the potential sex partner is the most attractive potential sex partner you’ve ever had and there’s a very real possibility you won’t ever be with anyone so attractive ever again? Now, suppose you have HIV. What percent chance do you suppose it is that you would continue to have an active sex life, never informing partners about your condition and pleading ignorance to your condition if one of your partners later contracts HIV and calls you with one of those “I got tested positive for HIV; you should get checked.” messages?
10) You are in a coliseum with every male movie star, past and present. It is understood that one of these men will rape you at some point. Which movie star would you find to be the least objectionable to be raped by? (If you’re a gay male or a heterosexual female, pick a male actor you’d find to be the most objectionable to be raped by.)
11) You have a child of the same gender as you. You will undoubtedly hate the child for the many ways it does not live up to your expectations. Do you find it especially strange that what you hate the most about the child are traits identical to your own that you had desperately hoped he or she would not acquire? Do you know how DNA works?
12) Which race of people do you find the least attractive? Don’t be afraid to answer. Different races have different characteristics that make them more or less attractive to you. If you think everyone looks the same, you are a stupid, stupid scumfuck. If everyone looks the same, why don’t you ask the fat chick with the acne-riddled face and the uneven eyes out on a date? Yeah, I thought so.
13) When someone dies, people inevitably start “sending out their prayers” to the family, or say they are “praying for the family” or “keeping the family in their prayers”. If you make one of these statements, do you actually follow it up with prayers or are you just saying it so you look like a caring person? If indeed you are “sending out prayers”, does it ever occur to you that the family might prefer it if you sent them money?
14) Would you rather your nude body was covered from head to toe in your own shit or a stranger’s jizz? If it makes any difference, the stranger’s jism does not have any STDs.
15) Suppose you have an exact double. This person would know your thought processes and your sexual desires better than anyone else. Would you have sex with it? If yes, does this make you gay? For any identical twins out there, assume the question is “Have you ever had sex with your doppelganger?” You know you have.
16) When you meet young married couples do you find yourself thinking, “I wonder how long it will be until they get divorced?” When you meet people who are engaged do you think to yourself, “Holy shit, these people are making a mistake”? Since it is a fundamental fact of reality that people who spend too much time together grow to hate each other, what are the secrets of a successful marriage?
17) DESERT ISLAND SCENARIO: You are stranded on a desert island with all of your siblings and first cousins of the opposite sex, the result of a family reunion cruise gone awry. The island has plenty of food for you to eat so there is no risk of starvation. You’re going to be there for the rest of your life, but you obviously don’t know that. How many days would you guess will transpire before your first incestuous coupling? Which relative will you set your sights on?
18) Suppose you will be given ten women out of any women you want in the world. They will then provide you with joyous sex for the rest of your life. The catch is that you must first have a one-time four-hour sexual encounter with an orangutan. Do you have sex with the monkey, knowing that afterwards you’ll have unending sexual gratification from some primo meat for the rest of your life, or would you decline the monkey loving, believing that it may ruin your appreciation of the sex act? (If you’re a gay male or a heterosexual female, substitute “women” with “men” in this question.)
19) A woman is gang-raped by fifty men in a riot following a Detroit sports championship. She is impregnated and, being devoutly religious and anti-abortion, carries the child to term. Though she appreciates quantity of life, she isn’t so concerned about the quality. She frequently abuses her son and refers to him as “Rape Baby” all the way into his teenage years (the name on his birth certificate is “Shameful”). In junior high school all the kids call him “Rape Baby” because they’ve heard his mother call him that. They make jokes about his fifty potential fathers and his mother who has since become a prostitute. You are a student at this kid’s school and you notice that Shameful spends most of his time by himself, trying not to let others see that he is crying. Much like the men who raped Shameful’s mother after the Detroit championship, most of the kids who are mean to Shameful are, on an individual basis, quite normal and considerate of other people and the law. When you have one-on-one chats with the teasers, you learn that most of them seem to actually dislike the treatment of Shameful. Does man reveal his true self in crowd situations or in isolation? When you are in a crowd and the vast majority of people are teasing Shameful, will you join in, remain neutral, or try to get the other kids to stop?
20) Drinking too much water can kill you. Drinking too little water will kill you. Getting too much sunlight can give you cancer. Getting too little sunlight can give you a vitamin D deficiency. Deprive yourself of all pleasure and you’ll develop off-putting neuroses. Give in to all of your desires and you’ll go to jail. Moderation seems to be the key to living longer, healthier and happier. Unfortunately, you have no guide for what is “moderate” for your unique bodily constitution. For example, some people smoke cigarettes just a few times and get lung cancer; some people smoke like chimneys for their whole lives and die at ninety from something unrelated to their smoking. What’s the use?
21) Your mother has probably tried butt-sex at least once in her life. Visualize this. Imagine that the man who is fucking her is someone for whom you have very little respect. Is the expression on your mother’s face one of sexual ecstasy or discomfort? What does the expression on the man’s face look like? Consider that each knows you are watching them performing this act. What are they each thinking about your watching them?
22) Your co-worker Gary is a guy you loathe. He is more handsome than you; he has less education than you but has one more digit on his salary than you; he is wittier than you; he is liked by your peers a lot more than you; he’s stronger than you; he’s more courageous than you; he was born into wealth unlike you; and he has a bigger penis than you. To top it all off, you’ve just found out that Gary has been sleeping with your wife for over a year. One night they both reveal their affair to you. In a real polite and sensitive way they explain that they’re real sorry about hurting you but they’ve decided that they want to marry each other. Taking into consideration all of the above comparisons between you and Gary, how do you appropriately respond to this situation in the least impotent way possible?
23) You are having sex with someone you love. Suddenly, your partner lets out a wet fart that is unbearably smelly. When your partner rolls over, you notice the dinner-plate-sized liquid shit stain on the bed sheets. Your partner becomes embarrassed and very apologetic. Would you be able to have sex with, or even date, this person ever again? If your answer is yes – indicating that love possibly does conquer all – suppose there is a repeat occurrence a few nights later, except this time your partner is so ashamed by his/her lack of bowel control that he/she goes off on a crying jag, emitting guttural moans that you’ve never heard come from your partner before – moans you associate with the mentally handicapped and injured animals. Would you still be able to date this person that you love?
24) THE AFTERLIFE QUESTION: Despite all your hopes to the contrary, there is strong possibility that there is no afterlife and your consciousness will cease to exist when you die. Everything you’ve ever learned, all your memories of everything and everyone you’ve ever loved, all potential for knowing anything more – Poof! – gone like that. Suppose this is the case. Then, since it is natural for human beings to eventually die and cease to exist, why are human beings naturally designed to fear losing existence so much? It seems like something so cruel only a conscious being could design it. Yes, the possibility that when we die we will cease to exist might be an indication that there is a God. And since we won’t exist after death, we won’t ever experience Him and gain comfort by the proof of his existence. How does this make you feel? Part 2 of this question: suppose you die and learn that you are God. Your existence has been entirely of your own devising and with your infinite powers you are able to create infinitely many more existences of your choosing. You have no restraints. Have you reached Heaven or Hell? Part 3 of this question: suppose you die and there is an afterlife. Heaven is much like it is popularly depicted: choirs of angels, clouds, harps and a bearded Jesus sitting at the right hand of God. The entire populace consists of humble, pious, friendly folk who didn’t stir things up too much during their lives. During the eternity that you will spend there, will the adjective “faggy” ever cross your mind?
25) What is your favorite food?