Netflix Notes Greatest Hits

Writing netflix notes makes blurb-whores of us all, but it’s kind of a fun challenge. Given a limited number of characters with which to write a note, one tries to be witty and sufficiently informative in just a few words. Of the thousand or so notes I’ve written to my netflix friends over the last three years, here are some of my favorites. This list has a disproportionate amount of sleazy movies, most likely because those movies are more fun to write notes about.

The Pillow Book:
Asian girl has calligraphy fetish. Celebrity dick alert: Ewan McGregor rocks out with his cock out for much of his time in the movie.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry:
Vic Morrow was in a few helicopter stunt scenes in this movie. If you go back and find footage of Steve Irwin playfully teasing a stingray the effect would be about the same.

Putney Swope:
Jive turkeys take over Madison Avenue. When Tropic Thunder comes out, Downey Jr. will be the 2nd Downey to play a black guy. Sr. dubbed the main character in this lame satire.

The Cheerleaders:
More cheerleader sleaze and cheese. This time they have sex with the opposing football team so that they are too tired to play in their game

I Am Curious: Yellow:
Amazingly boring for a “provocative” movie. Amazingly stupid, too, and I mean beyond the overt socialist messages.

Taxi Driver:
Indians are keen on Three’s Company situations, random musical numbers and leaving all kinds of loose ends. Indian women are pretty. Strangely not as Taxi Driver as Taxi Driver.

Stardust:
Not bad for a fairy tale, but too long and the CGI is kind of shoddy. Deniro plays a gaylord pirate though, so that’s something.

Schoolgirl Report: Volume 1: What Parents Don’t Think Is Possible:
The startling revelation of this fake documentary is that schoolgirls are interested in sex! I like the way it uses fictional examples as evidence.

Alligator:
It’s about an alligator.

Be Kind Rewind:
This movie champions original, creative filmmaking while its original, creative, headache-inducing whimsy makes the viewer yearn for the formulaic garbage this movie despises. Grating and unfunny.

Ratatouille:
A 3-D cartoon animal movie that Ayn Rand might have liked. Most movies like this don’t espouse the idea that 97% of people have little to no taste or talent.

Romance and Cigarettes:
Winslet plays a good guttermouth tramp. Otherwise, the self-pitying tale of this movie’s unfortunate distribution circumstances is as unjustified as Shyamalan’s crying about being misunderstood.

Ed Wood:
This is THE Johnny Depp performance. None of that Keith Richards pirate shit. None of that effeminate Sleepy Hollow or Edward Scissorhands. Actually, he does wear women’s clothes in this one.

My Beautiful Laundrette:
Daniel Day-Lewis plays sort of a gaylord Vanilla Ice. This is one of those movies that says life was hard when Thatcher was running things. All people thought about was money and that was sad.

The Lady Vanishes (this was a back-and-forth between Shogun of Standford and me – it helps to know that this is a Hitchcock movie):
Me: You might say that these STRANGERS ON A TRAIN included a MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH. The movie’s PSYCHO must have realized that he fucked with THE WRONG MAN, though.
SofS: Touche. The woman on the train worked herself into a FRENZY of SUSPICION that a SABOTEUR had kidnapped Mrs. Froy. I CONFESS that I didn’t suspect Froy was a SECRET AGENT.
Me: I don’t have a SHADOW OF A DOUBT that what you say is true. TOPAZ!!!

Balls of Fury:
Hi! Remember Beerfest and Dodgeball? Well, they had sex and made me! George Lopez might not be that funny, but don’t give me too much crap. I could have had Carlos Mencia!

The Wizard of Gore:
No, Juno, this is not better than Suspiria.

Splatter: Naked Blood:
She ate her own pussy. No, really, she ATE her own pussy. From the director of “Night of the Anatomically Correct Doll”, this is a coming-of-age tale about girls cutting themselves to pieces.

Sex: The Annabel Chong Story:
“Hey, I’ve already had 150 penises inside me today, I don’t want 100 more!”

From Beyond:
PINEAL GLAND GONE WILD! Probably the closest thing to live-action tentacle-porn that I’ve seen. Some otherworldly beings fondle bosoms while they drool slime on women and suck on their heads.

Lilya-4-Ever:
Lilya grew up poor and attractive in Russia. BITCH, THAT’S A MISTAKE! She should learn not to do such foolish things. Well, sucks to be her.

Ichi The Killer:
I like it when the old man reveals his ripped body and basically every scene in which the troubled Ichi kicks people to death because his boner told him to.

Sick:
I don’t like masochism and I sure don’t like watching a guy nail his dickhead to a board, but I found Bob Flanagan to be a fascinating case.

Grave of the Fireflies:
Some anime Japs learn the value of eating food in war-torn Japan. They be all, “BUT I NEED FOOD TO LIVE!”

Kicking and Screaming:
This is a Baumbachesque tale about college kids who are sad. They like to mention hip buzzwords in order to sound smart.

Saturday Night Live: Season 1:
Back in the “glory days” of SNL, half of each show consisted of musical acts, Jim Henson’s muppets and Albert Brooks short films. Pretty damn boring so far.

3:10 to Yuma:
The lengths we go to in the name of due process. It would be so much easier to put a bullet in the brains of the world’s Carl Panzrams. Movie is very good, but the ending is HORSESHIT.

The Accused:
This trial reminded me of the “good samaritan” trial on the final Seinfeld.

Shoot ‘Em Up:
Owen, Giamatti, Bellucci? Infantilism, necrophilia and hardcore gun violence? Sounds like my kind of movie! It wasn’t. Movie wants gun control and to show how badass guns are at the same time.

The Fifth Element:
Like sci-fi? Like Bruce Willis? Like Chris Tucker? No? Well, then you probably wouldn’t rate this five stars like I did. (P.S. I don’t like Chris Tucker.)

Spanking the Monkey:
Jeremy “Saving Private Ryan” Davies comes home from college, feels victimized by life, and bangs his mom in this touching coming-of-age tale. It’s like Garden State WITH INCEST!

The Queen:
Carnac holds the envelope to his head: “The royal family, the cult of Diana and funerary decorum”. He opens the envelope: “What are three things Crag Dakkins doesn’t give a shit about?”

Live Free Or Die Hard:
I was kind of excited to see this until I saw that it was RATED PG-13! ROB SCHNEIDER DERP A DERP!

Vanishing Point:
I like things Tarantino makes better than things Tarantino likes. Still, this is probably the best of the Cinema of Hopelessness “We blew it” “fast driving as a metaphor for freedom” movies.

Night Train Murders:
Ow! My vagina! It hurts when you put the knife in there!

The Last Laugh:
The life and times of an old, corpulent doorman. He is demoted to washroom man and it appears his life is over, but then he gets…THE LAST LAUGH! German Expressionism run amok!

Cheeky!:
BUTT FETISH!!! Director Brass says that all women are liars, but that their asses don’t lie. I was sure this movie was made in the 70s, until some guy pulled out a cell phone.

Tom Green: Inside & Outside the Box:
Putting a cow’s head in someone’s bed; 2) fishing with a vacuum cleaner as bait; 3) generally acting like an epileptic or stroke victim – if you think these things are funny, you would enjoy this.

What Have You Done With Solange?
This gives new meaning to the word “boxcutter”. Someone is vaginaciding a bunch of schoolgirls and Ennio Morricone scores it. Not nearly as tasteless as you might think.

Open Water 2: Adrift:
I haven’t seen the first movie, but seeing this title made me think, “OH FUCK, WE GOT LOST AT SEA WITHOUT A BOAT ONCE AGAIN! AAHHHHHHH!!!!”

Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice:
I wasn’t aware that the samurai had a police force, or that certain members of that force used their large penises to withhold pleasure from women in order to get them to confess to crimes.

Tideland:
The timeless tale of love between a little girl and an adult retard. Gilliam offers a defense of his movie before it plays, which I thought was interesting.

The Prestige:
Bold statement of the week: this is both the best Christopher Nolan movie and the best Christian Bale movie I’ve seen.

The Wicker Man remake:
I recommend watching this after watching the 1973 odd masterpiece. Along with The Vanishing, it’s a classic example of how Hollywood sucks all the life out of good things in their remakes.

Half Nelson:
Are drug addicts, crossdressers, villains, retards and other flawed characters really just Oscar bait? Probably, but I liked this movie anyway.

Crank:
Eehhhhh, BUFF! Chev Chelios shows people it is they who are wrong by way of ADRENALINE!! (Insert primal roar here)!!!

Factotum:
See gloopy grutchman get a job. See gloopy grutchman lose a job. See gloopy grutchman have sex. Drink, gloopy grutchman! Drink!

The Brown Bunny:
The last five minutes of this, beginning with the famous blowjob, are ok. The first 85 minutes are some of the most boring you will ever see. It’s kind of amazing, in a way.

Hair:
Frankly, I’m surprised I liked a musical about hippies.

Phenomena:
If you like horror, bad acting, good atmosphere, Jennifer Connelly, that guy from Halloween, monkeys, increasingly outlandish plot twists and a loud heavy metal/classical score, this movie is for you.

Emmanuelle In America:
Damn this intellectual brain for not being able to appreciate porn! In this movie a woman whacks off a horse. It was funnier in Freddy Got Fingered.

Z:
People in other countries have political beliefs too! How ’bout that!?

Paths of Glory:
Fucking add it to your queue.

Bonnie & Clyde:
One of the movies I categorize as part of the Cinema of Hopelessness of the late 60s and early 70s. Does it tie into Vietnam? Probably, but doesn’t every single fucking thing?

Annie Hall:
If you only watch one of Woody Allen’s hundred million movies that are almost exactly the same in every way, watch this one.

Pulp Fiction:
I’m trying to decide how best to destroy Dr. Kablaa for his four star rating of this movie. I think it’s in retaliation for my four star appraisal of his favorite movie, Fear and Loathing.

Basic Instinct:
I was expecting more than a quarter second of vagie, considering all the commotion.

The Seven Year Itch:
A sex comedy made before sex was invented.

Kramer vs. Kramer:
Kramer wins.

Jaws (This was another note directed specifically at Dr. Kablaa):
3 stars? Are you on fucking drugs? Oh, wait, yes you are.

The Shape of Things:
.

The Quiet American:
Foreign country!

Friday the 13th: Part 2:
Slightly less fucking stupid than part one.

Carmen Elektra’s Aerobic Striptease:
Precious little stripping here. That is to say, none.

Hotel Rwanda:
BIG FAT GENOCIDE! PG-13 RATING!

Death Wish:
One of the great WTF? moments of my movie-watching life was learning that Jeff Goldblum, Olympia Dukakis and Christopher Guest were in this movie.

Mad Men: Season 1:
In 1960, women were sad, men slept around and everyone made fun of Jews. It was sort of like today, but with a lot more cigarettes.

Million Dollar Baby:
OW! MY SPINAL COLUMN! IT HURTS WHEN THE FORCE OF ITS FALLING IS APPLIED TO THE EQUAL AND OPPOSITE FORCE OF A CHAIR LYING ON ITS SIDE!

Numbers: Season 1:
Detectives John Numbers and Jim Practical join forces to rid Logorithm City of the evil Mathematacles. Meanwhile, the elusive shadow-figure Psorian offers clues written in the language of Calculus.

Two-Lane Blacktop:
The car = us. The road = endless possibilities. Fast driving = freedom. Everyone else = people trying to get you down.

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