A Pretext
A message I received from Dr. Gonzo Kablaa:
Kari called me today rambling on about something to do with a restraining order. Apparently, some guys tapped on her window and shouted things, or drove around in a car, and possibly a shotgun was involved. I didn’t really listen too carefully since I was busy researching while she talked.
I was wondering why she would feel any need to tell me this, when she answered this question by asking if I knew anything about restraining orders, or who she should call about one.
I told her “No, I’m just a law student.” What some people don’t seem to realize is that law students haven’t really started finding out useful things yet. They teach you Property and Constitutional Law and Torts, but most future attorneys will never use any of this. Your real education comes when you get a job and actually practice in some sort of specific area of law. Then you become familiar with the relevant laws, cases, etc. For example, if Kari had some sort of problem relating to police officers and excessive force, I probably could have given her a basic legal rundown, because I’ve had exposure to that through the ACLU.
But why the fuck would I know anything about restraining orders? The ACLU doesn’t deal in restraining orders, and there sure as shit isn’t a Restraining Orders 101 class in law school.
Then I told her there was a website she could go to that explains how to get a restraining order. To which she replied, “Oh, I know how to get one already. I have a restraining order against my brother.”
All right, so you know everything you need to know about restraining orders. Why the hell did you call me? What more could I possibly tell you?
Then she started asking about what she needed to do to press charges. So I told her to call the police. She said she already filed a police report. “Well”, I said, “It would appear the ball’s in their court then.” She then said something about how she could either go forward with the charges or dismiss them. Maybe. But I’ve never taken any goddamn criminal procedure course, so how the fuck would I know?
Then she started asking questions about your brother. “Crag’s brother – does he have his J.D.?” “Yes.” “Do you know him?” “No.” “I mean, could you call him or something?” “I don’t know him.”
I told her that your brother specializes in BUSINESS LAW. And how the hell could he help out anyway? She already knows how to get a restraining order. Does she want me to ask your brother if he could personally go to the courthouse to file her restraining order? Does she want him to track down the hooligans who tapped on her window and tell them to stop?
Then she asked if I could e-mail and/or call my law school professors to ask about this question. Well, first of all, there’s no question to ask. I still had no clue what she wanted. What would I say if I had a professor on the line? “A friend of mine wants to get a restraining order, and press charges.” “Ok. And?” “Well, that’s it. What should she do?” “She wants to know how to file a restraining order? I guess the first thing she should do is probably call the police.” “No, she already filed a police report and knows how to get a restraining order.” “So what the hell is the question?” “The question is, what should she do?” “What the hell should she do about what? What is her specific inquiry? What the fuck is it that she wants to know? What concrete thing does she have a question about?” “She needs to know what to do.” “Well, I guess she should blow her brains out.”
And this is assuming any of my professors would know anything about criminal procedure practice in Minnesota. All of them specialize in one area of academic study and have little or no experience as attorneys. My Contracts professor wouldn’t know a damn thing about the practice of the law, criminal procedure, or Minnesota law.
And why does she think I would call my professors even if they did know? “Hello, this is Gonzo J. Kablaa. You may or may not remember me. I had a class with you last fall, along with countless other students. I was wondering if I could ask you for free legal advice regarding my friend?”
I guess I don’t get it.