By Crag Dakkins
The DJ fired up “You Make My Dreams” just as Nickasun’s favorite stripper, Khandee, kicked open the front door to Nickasun’s apartment, carefully maneuvered her high-heeled shoes through the rubble to the stage, and began her meat show. Nickasun liked her because she had green eyes, the same kind of eyes his long [...]
By Dr. Gonzo Kablaa
Asscock’s cell phone started to vibrate. He pulled it out of his pocket. “Detective Shitace.” Asscock didn’t like cell phones. Not very genuine. Hockley went ballistic when he disposed of them in the dumpster, though, so he kept one. He tossed the phone on his passenger seat, deciding to call back later. [...]
THAT ONE FUCKED UP MOVIE THAT DOESN’T HAVE LONGINUS
“Eeeeeaaaaaaaaeeeeeaaaa!” said Kent’s mind.
Kostecki sits Indian-style in front of the television. Everyone crowds around him, curious as to what he’s watching. It appears to be some kind of National Geographic program about primitive peoples. Oh, wait, a white man emerges. He’s surrounded by natives who appear to [...]
THE HAZY FORFS OF THE FIFTHS
Considering my constant intake of Pabst Blue Ribbon grutch, it was inevitable that at some point I’d start to lose track of the order in which events occurred, and sometimes what events occurred. If you divide the time span of any party into five equal lengths, I think the haziest [...]
YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT, DONNY
As I’m typing this story in the actual present time of May 3, 2006, four days after Lord Scorpion Night, and doing my best to keep the correct tenses throughout the story, I am also talking to people online. I tell Alex the drummer that I am 3000 words into [...]
Written by Crag Dakkins in 2006:
We are somewhere around Rochester on the edge of oblivion when the grutch begins to take hold. I say something like “There are different types of grutch. Do you know what kind of grutch it is when the guy at the liquor store gives it to you for free? That’s [...]
I’ve seen your list: http://www.maxim.com/girls/articles/90539/2010-hot-100.html
Maybe watch SNL some time.
By Crag Dakkins
Detective Asscock was fat, there was no question about it. Not hippo fat. More like manatee fat. Doughy in some areas and mushy in others. Maybe more like bean bag chair fat.
Whenever people see a guy like Asscock they naturally assume he’s lazy. In Asscock’s case, this assumption is not unfair, for Asscock [...]
Dr. Gonzo Kablaa’s winning short story for the 2010 Lord Scorpion Short Story Contest:
Crag Dakkins walked into a bar. Shortly thereafter, he drew a gun from his waistband, pointed the barrel of said gun under his chin, and blew the top of his head off, thereby exiting his brains from his skull. His newly dead [...]