THAT ONE FUCKED UP MOVIE THAT DOESN’T HAVE LONGINUS
“Eeeeeaaaaaaaaeeeeeaaaa!” said Kent’s mind.
Kostecki sits Indian-style in front of the television. Everyone crowds around him, curious as to what he’s watching. It appears to be some kind of National Geographic program about primitive peoples. Oh, wait, a white man emerges. He’s surrounded by natives who appear to [...]
THE HAZY FORFS OF THE FIFTHS
Considering my constant intake of Pabst Blue Ribbon grutch, it was inevitable that at some point I’d start to lose track of the order in which events occurred, and sometimes what events occurred. If you divide the time span of any party into five equal lengths, I think the haziest [...]
YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT, DONNY
As I’m typing this story in the actual present time of May 3, 2006, four days after Lord Scorpion Night, and doing my best to keep the correct tenses throughout the story, I am also talking to people online. I tell Alex the drummer that I am 3000 words into [...]
Written by Crag Dakkins in 2006:
We are somewhere around Rochester on the edge of oblivion when the grutch begins to take hold. I say something like “There are different types of grutch. Do you know what kind of grutch it is when the guy at the liquor store gives it to you for free? That’s [...]
A message I received from Dr. Gonzo Kablaa:
Kari called me today rambling on about something to do with a restraining order. Apparently, some guys tapped on her window and shouted things, or drove around in a car, and possibly a shotgun was involved. I didn’t really listen too carefully since I was busy researching while [...]
A friend of mine died on Sunday. He pushed it to the limit for about seven years. He walked along the razor’s edge, never looked down, just kept his head, for he knew otherwise he’d be finished. On Sunday, he did look down…and experienced Sudden Catastrophic Failure.
There I was, watching an Angry Video Game Nerd [...]
Says John Cougar Magnum Mellencamp in “Small Town”:
Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Probably die in a small town
Oh, those small communities
(Skip ahead if you know the song, which you probably do.)
All my friends are so small town
My parents live in the same small town
My job is so [...]
Editor’s Note: Deputy Grutch occasionally speaks in metaphors and non-sequiturs and non-sequitur-metaphors. To clear up some confusion, I’ve marked these with parenthetical numbers and provided a guide at the end. Fuck you.
Saturday was going to be a cromulent (2) day. The hospital staff had steadily unplugged Mrs. Deputy Grutch from the infrastructure necessary to [...]
“It’s CAMP! …The tragically ludicrous, the ludicrously tragic?” – John Waters, The Simpsons
I have filled out a lot of those Top Five things on Facebook. After filling out one for my five favorite music videos, I decided to say a little more about why these videos are so great.
#5 “Single Ladies” by Beyonce Knowles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g
I [...]
A Chicago shoe-shinin’ hobo once accosted Nickasun. Ever since then, he’s been afraid of black people. I’ve capitalized on this fear by creating Negrosun, a kind of Bizarro Nickasun – a strong, confident, suave version of Nickasun who also happens to be black. Nickasun is afraid of Negrosun, however, his annoyance with Negrosun outweighs his [...]